The Downward Spiral

The Downward Spiral

The next phase happened so quickly, and I was high so much of the time, that it is a little difficult to remember. My memories of this time are blurry and faded, but I will describe what I do remember.

My pattern became wake up late, meet up with Katie, get high at one of our homes, work at the restaurant, hang out with Katie and get high some more, then go home to sleep next to Suzette. Suzette had no idea what was going on, because, as I explained before, our opposite work schedules meant we barely saw each other or even had much time to talk.

I am ashamed to admit this next part, more ashamed even than I am of the drug use.

I was so lonely, and not in my right state of mind on the heroin that Katie and I started an affair.

I had never been one to cheat before, and it was entirely out of character. I know it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for the drugs. I loved Suzette, but I felt like I had nobody and nothing in America. Nobody and nothing except for Katie and heroin.

Eventually, what jeopardized my relationship with Suzette wasn’t even the drugs, although knowing her she never would have allowed that. My relationship with Suzette ended because she found out about Katie.

It’s hard even to write this because it’s so awful and mortifying.

It was another day like all the others. Katie had come over in the afternoon before our shift at the restaurant to get high and hang out on the couch together. We were watching TV and started fooling around.

That’s when Suzette came home.

She had forgotten her lunch and had come from work on her break to get it. Katie and I were so high we didn’t even hear her come in the door or notice her standing in the room while we were making out.

Understandably, Suzette was furious. She kicked me out and screamed at me, saying she didn’t even know who I was anymore. I couldn’t even argue. I barely knew who I was anymore, either.

At the time I hardly even cared about the breakup. Deep down, I knew how bad it was, but as long as I still had Katie, and more importantly, heroin, I knew I would be okay. I wouldn’t have to feel any of the bad feelings.

So I moved out of Suzette’s apartment, and right in with Katie.

That’s when things got even worse.